– surreal world –

1. My social life succumbing to my apathy with the world around me. I went out last night with two friends, had our traditional ‘coffee to begin the day’ thing, and had a few drinks and went dancing. Sounds normal for a night out with girlfriends right? But somehow I felt all wrong and out of place somehow. Oh not because of the people I’m with or the places we went to…It’s just ME that’s wrong. I guess it has something to do with me not going out enough with other people, like old friends. They all seem to be trodding down that same sunshiney little path and I was a bit wayward. Not that I’m always meant to follow theirs…it’s just that lately, it was soooo rare that I met theirs. Feeling ko I looked a bit stupid sitting on that rattan chair at Coffee Bean, na parang I’m dressed in rags and had not taken a bath for ages. (which of course, is not really the case) Parang bago lahat sa mata ko, what people are wearing, what they’re talking about, what they eat, what they drink…And instead of all the new sights being exciting to me, it was more of scary. Scary because I don’t feel like I belong. Scary because it seemed an entirely different world now. Scary because…I wasn’t part of it for a loooong while now.

2. i had put on a lot of weight and i didn’t care. Oh yeah, I did. Big time. From like 110 lbs to…errr, I don’t even know anymore. But surely the shadow of a double chin, is a classic sign of weight gain. At first I just psyched myself, this just means I’m happy and ‘contended’ (hahaha! somebody actually said she was contended!) with my life. But no…when you no longer fit In your jeans and other small-sized pieces of clothing, then that doesn’t make you just happy and contented, that makes you look like someone leaning on the heavy side. I’m just not used to this body, sana yung kumuha ng kapayatan ko, ibalik na.Like now na! I’m trying to be really positive about it…I’m trying my best to ‘try’ to shed some pounds.

And more on this….SOON. When I have the time to add to the list. Nyahehehe.

Have you ever felt that you already have what you think you’ve always wanted, but still, you’re not completely happy? I guess that just means you’re 100% human. Damned to never experience contentment, if only to have it as a fleeting moment. I sure have my moments of bliss, and I’m thankful for them.

But somehow…right now, I FEEL ALONE. Like the rest of the world had moved on without a care about me. Like I was stuck in a corner without the power to move or interact, all that’s left for me to do was watch the revolution of the earth around the sun. And wait until it’s over. Until it’s all over.

What do people do in the meantime?

I mean…while waiting for their dreams to come true? While waiting for their souls to find its niche in a world of even more tortured beings….

What happens in limbo???

I dare say ask because I fear I may have slid back down to limbo. It’s been quite some time since I last saw myself in this situation. And I feel so helpless I can’t even flail my arms. It’s so sad…. I guess it’s just a matter of getting out of it now, or else get used to it.

It’s a brand new year, 2008, but the question remains; Where am I going?

I know what I want, but where am I now?

I had always wanted to write, to create magic with words, to paint life with an amazing array of hues and shades. It’s such a disappointment, that after 3 years of graduating I’m still in my little gray world of taking calls.

I’m not saying my call-center life isn’t a happy one. It is. It’s just that there’s always this part of me that yearns for the life I had envisioned myself to have. A life I know I CAN have.

That’s why it’s such a major disappointment to me that I didn’t seem to have budged in any way towards that direction.

But I guess I have to be positive about things. There’s still hope for the writer in me.  But I hope really does spring eternal, I don’t want to just keep on hoping….

[Rihanna:]
That’s much I love you (yeah)
That’s how much I need you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
And I can’t stand ya
Most everything you do
make me wanna smile
Can I not like you for awhile
(No..)

[Ne-Yo:]
but you won’t let me
You upset me girl
and then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forget
that I was upset
Can’t remember what you did
But I hate it

[Rihanna:]
You know exactly what to do
So that I can’t stay mad at you
For too long, that’s wrong

[Ne-Yo:]
But, I hate it
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don’t wanna fuss and fight no more
Said I despise that I adore you

[Rihanna:]
And I hate how much I love you boy (yeah)
I can’t stand how much I need you (I need you)
And I hate how much I love you boy (ooh)
But I just can’t let you go
And I hate that I love you so..

[Ne-Yo:]
And you completely know the power that you have
The only one that makes me laugh

[Rihanna:]
Said and it’s not fair how you take advantage of the fact that I
Love you beyond a reason why
And it just ain’t right

[Ne-Yo:]
And I hate how much I love you girl
I can’t stand how much I need you
And I hate how much I love you girl
But I just can’t let you go
And I hate that I love you so

[Both:]
One of these days maybe your magic won’t affect me
And your kiss won’t make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you’ll probably always have a spell on me.. (yeah~oooh~)

[Rihanna (Ne-Yo):]
That’s much I love you
That’s much I need you
That’s much I need you
That’s much I love you
That’s much I love you
That’s much I need you
That’s much I need you
I need you

[Rihanna:]
And I hate that I love you sooo…

[ Rihanna:]
And I hate how much I love you boy (Hey)
I can’t stand how much I need you (I can’t stand how much I need you)
And I hate how much I love you boy (yeah…ooh)
But I just can’t let you go (But I just can’t let you go, no)
And I hate that I love you so

[Both:]
And I hate that I love you so.. so..

———————————————————————————-

I just fell in love with the beat and the lyrics. It really is amazing how love makes you feel the best and the worst of this world.

It’s absolutely appalling just how pathetic the Philippine government has become.

In the wake of the "alleged-bombing-but-proved-to-be-not-really-or-so-they-say" disastrous explosion at Glorietta and another mall in Mindanao, is yet another stressful day for the Filipino, filled with the almost familiar sound of gunshots and threats. I really don’t know where the tradionally happy and passive Filipino people get their inspiration for starting such tragic and dramatic ruckus, but it’s already getting to my nerves.

Yesterday’s "major event" at the Manila Pen in Makati Ave. had quite an interesting number of attendees, unfortunately I did not come around to inviting myself over. But it did seem quite happening. The usual bunch was there, that plus some really realistic props like tanks and soldiers, which was made it the greatest show of the day.I didn’t quite expect the rave reviews from the opposing party though, what with the curfew and the media brought in for questioning. It was just too exciting!

I’m 22 years old, I admit to not knowing much about Philippine politics, or the constitution, or whatever that relates to it but "thanks God", I know how to put my opinions together. So here’s my take on it: THIS COUNTRY IS REALLY IN DIRE NEED OF CHANGE.

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I’ve learned that the Filipino people watch too many and produce too many soap operas, that it manifests even in our very own government. I mean what-the-heck-was-the-freaking-tank-for? Does Trillanes and his motley crew have that much people and ammunition that the government forces had to ram the hotel doors with a military vehicle? Do the soldiers not know how to strategize an attack, or is the simple act of turning a knob already too much to handle? (hehe) I understand why they had to bring in the media people,so they can sift who’s who, but hey one Magdalo soldier DID pretend to be a mediaman, and he got away. His name is Army Capt. Nicanor Faeldon, and he’s probably laughing his head off right now because this is not the first time he got away with such ease. And of course, the classic warning "setting a curfew", which had the Martial Law babies squirming in their seats. It was a cool thing to experience (I guess?), but did it do the government any good? I hope so, ’cause it certainly did some damage with businesses.

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Now I do have mixed feelings for Trillanes. I don’t know if I should fall prey to his puppy-dog eyes which spelled "I’m-a-little-dazed-right-now", or slap him hard on the back until he spits his lungs out. He’s acting like a teenage kid with raging hormones! Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. Let’s say he really wants the President out because she’s not doing the right things. Let’s say he’s right. Hmmmm, in this context, he DID make quite a statement. And his statements brought about even more statements. But he should have made sure he had some formidable friend backing him up, not a bunch of oldies who can’t even stand up on their own anymore. He should have spared them the exhaustion. He should have prepared stronger speeches, because the stuff he said, just left my jaw hanging open for what seemed like 5 minutes. The only emotion it stirred within me was disbelief at how ill-prepared he was, and why on earth did he not get a good speech writer?!

———————————————————————————

The last time I was affected by political happenings was when I was in college. I fed on the intensity of hate, relief, confusion, disbelief, so I can come up with good homework. I had to choose sides,love the other and hate the opponent to come up with a fiery essay.But when I got on the call center bandwagon, I just drifted away. I watch the news, and just squint in disgust…and then I switch the channel. But after recent events, I suddenly realized that my government’s actions would later affect MY life in a really personal way. They can actually cost me my job! With all these episodes happening in the heart of Makati’s business district, I can’t help but worry about the people who invests in BPOs, and whether or not these recent happenings would shake the foundations of their trust on the Filipino workforce.

I can’t blame them if one day they decide to just scamper away.

But then again….tomorrow’s another day. And then another after that. We always have a fresh start to begin with. May God guide the Filipino people.

My two-month hiatus is almost over. I feel both sadness and excitement at the thought of going back to the world of work. For the past 8 weeks, I’ve soaked in thousands of television minutes that I barely had any of for the past 2 years. "Couch potatoeing", if you would call that a valid term, is what I’ve been busy with. It was fun up to a certain extent, but when you start seeing replays, you yearn to go out and have a life out of the box.  I must admit, I didn’t do much for the improvement of mankind despite the fact that I was given 2 long months of freedom.

———————————————————————————-

Me and some of my college friends met up last weekend at the Megastrip for coffee and talk. Just like the good ol’ days. In attendance was me (of course), Mitch, Corine, and Denice. One of the girls needed some of the Kabird medicine, that works so well with life’s complications. I don’t know if it worked on her the way it did when we were in college, but I am assuming it helped somehow. Based on experience, just knowing and feeling that I had them to count on whatever happens, is already enough to convince me that when you’re in a really bad spot…life would turn the opposite way…It would get better. It’s timeless.

We, of course, talked over designer coffee (which was what changed from before. We can afford it in bigger portions now.hehe) and food. But more than the calories that I gained from the whipped cream and the uber-sweet chocolate cake, I earned confidence that we were all moving forward in life, though in different directions, still towards something bigger and brighter. Although I must admit, their sharings made me miss the unmarried, single life, I still am proud of the fact that I have gained possession of one of God’s greatest gifts, true love.

But well…I can’t help but be a bit envious of Mitch and Karen and the fact they are in practice of what we really were meant to do, they’re also growing in their careers.How I wish I would be able to tread through the path of journalism again…not merely blogging and ranting about how I miss it. I miss the rush of a creative idea and coming up with an equally genius output.

It’s never too late though…to actually pick up the pen and start writing again. I guess it’s just a matter of wringing loose from the tight holds and temptation of a yuppiefied life.

———————————————————————————

Life speeds by like a bullet.

I was 22 years old. I spent my time working and my time spending. I live independently (or ok, at least on my own), I pay my own bills, I do my own grocery, cooking, cleaning, and take my own laundry to the shop. Although I still asked for money from my parents once in a while, I was able to live off my own cash and "invest" some more on fun and fabulous finds. It wasn’t always a breeze though, especially when I had such a wonderful time at the mall. But I get by. I actually got by so well, I gained weight. I had the leisure to sleep, go out, eat, shop, whenever and wherever I want to. Freedom at last! At that time, I already felt so grown up. I thought of my last "scene" at the Makati Med as my turning point, and my stubborness to continue living alone as my drive to change. I went from living in a house with a bunch of strangers (who turned on me for some darn reason), to living in my own apartment. Indeed,it was a change that brought about some considerable amount of peace and quiet in my life. I also learned (a bit) how to budget my own money, and THAT was what took so much effort. But again, as I said, I got by.

But it was the recent major event in life that actually changed my understanding of growing up. The focus changed from ME to OTHERS. My thoughts and planning had to stretch from today to thinking about what happens 10 years from now. And it is truly scary and quite overwhelming. You can only do so much to ensure that you AND your family can have a comfortable life. The rest is really up to God and what He has planned for you. That kind of surrender, is a feat I have yet to conquer. I did realize that first it should be an extensive joint preparation that me and my husband should go through. ‘Perfect’ is such a big word, but coming close to it is not actually impossible. That’s the life we want for our family. 

I can still lose my head about trivial things every once in a while, because in fact, I am still young. My mind still has a long way to go as far as "real maturity" is concerned. Half of me is still a yuppie in love with my freedom, and the other half is a wife, psyching myself for the rest of my life shared with another individual.

So… if you think you’re already mature and grown up, if you think your financial freedom as a yuppie already makes your life fulfilling, then you are very optimistic.

But life is so much more than that. It’s more than just being able to do what you want, buy what you want, go where you want to go…  I really can’t substantiate in words the scope of life, you would have to experience every single step to understand.

I’m still 22… not so much time has actually passed by. But life, is a little ahead of me now, I’m still catching up…

I’ve been hibernating for two weeks, and have approximately four more to waste eating, sleeping, and hopefully doing some thinking.

The past days had been a whirlwind of events, was pregnant, got married, had a miscarriage, lost the baby. In my perfect world, it’s not supposed to happen in just a span of three days. But hey, it did. Life is a cesspool of possibilities. And what’s shocking is, I’m not actually grabbing at the nearest sharp object or overdosing on my prescripted medicine after what happened. I got out of the hospital eating very healthy food like Tortillos and a can of good ol Coca-Cola, and yes, I did have a smile on my face. A smile not because I was relieved it was all over (pregnancy pains, miscarriage pains…), but because after all of it, I still have what I had always wanted, LOVE that gives without reserve, LOVE that seems to grow more beautiful every day, LOVE that would transcend reality and shame the most logical thoughts in your heads.

——————————————————————————-

When the year started out, my hopes were high. I said to myself, year 2007 would be the year that would change it all. I’d be doing great at work, doing more writing than shopping (or doing more of both is actually better), and getting the love I want and deserve. I guess I may have placed myself on a pedestal before. I was needy and demanding. I wanted to be the center of the universe. The sun within his galaxy. I thought I could change all of that with just a firm resolve to make it work that time around. I tried not to have the great expectations I had when I was younger, the neediness, I tried to lessen, and the demands, I tried to put aside. But then I woke up and found myself dying.That wasn’t how it was supposed to work. So I just dropped it all. Dropped it down the big gaping hole that’s been waiting for me to decide when it’s time to let go. That was how I ended what I thought was the greatest love of my life. Now I look back and admit, I had not been considerate in how I did it and so I would like to apologize to that person I hurt. If it’s any consolation, you know it made everything much much better. Delayed gratification I believe is what it’s called. But anybody who knows me would understand. I don’t go for gray areas. It’s always just black or white, yes or no.

I pride myself for living a life without regrets. At this point, I can still say with utmost confidence, that so far, there is nothing I have done or said that I would like to change. Everything that had happened had made me a better person. I know some people would hate this kind of optimism. Some would say that I’m just saying that to make myself feel better. Well, in the first place, I’m not feeling bad so there’s no need to concoct an upper. Secondly, it’s about me, not about you. Hehe.

I remember overflowing with angst. Oh that was the most intense phase that I had to go through so far. Every day seemed like a soap opera episode. I documented those days in writing and man, I laugh and cry when I read them now. I have come up with this very insane thought, I don’t know how many would agree…but I realized that Life is actually simple and beautiful in its very essence. We just say it’s complicated and cruel to justify our stubborness to accept the truths that are staring us in the face.

It may sound overly optimistic, but it seems to be a logical explanation. I have to admit that I had a hard time accepting a lot of truths in the past, and it made me feel like every heartbreak meant the end of the world. If I had kept that attitude, I’d still be a great big mess and living 10 more years on the edge of a breakdown.

I know I still have so much to learn, so much more pain to go through (unless of course I die sooner than expected). But it makes me feel better knowing that now, I know, whatever I have to go through along the way, one person would be sharing the rest of the journey with me. 

Life is beautiful.

I woke up to a miracle. All of a sudden the cynicism, the negative thoughts, the hopelesness, the tendencies of pessimistic thinking… they just went down the drain. That, happening to ME of all people, is indeed nothing else but divine intervention.

When I met Jules, it was a time of uncertainty. I was limbo epitomized. I had put my heart on the other line so many times, so much more than what a heart could take in a short frame of time. And Jules, may have been one of the greatest risks in my life. The greatest, most wonderful, most amazing risk I have ever taken. And to make it short, loving him made me believe in the reality of miracles, and beautiful things. He made me believe that in the cruel hurtful world I survived, there is true and enduring love.

Two weeks from now, we would be having our civil wedding, 10 months from now, we will be renewing our vows thru a church ceremony, and God willing…7 months from now, we will be sharing our lives with the most beautiful blessing God could give, our baby.

I know people can take these events being on a fast-forward pace in a negative perspective. That I am too young, I still have so much to achieve, so much to learn… Well I say, YES, I am young.And I guess, I’d be young for the next 60 years or so. Age is just a number. Maturity, it depends on a persons ability to accept, adapt, and appreciate. And my dreams, well they’re all starting to come true! I can still be a writer, I can still travel, I can still dabble in fashion, I can still make millions. Having a happy family is just God’s bonus. I am not trying to justify these major changes in my life. I would just like to make it known, to whoever would be reading this post…that these days, are one of the highest points of bliss I would experience in my lifetime.

I have really learned so much in such a short span of time, and have felt God’s hands in mine every step of the way…. I know this can be so "preachy" or "charismatic", but this is reality. Reality from a girl who relished her pain, her misery, who wallowed in a world of pessimism…

It’s like waking up in a dream. I don’t know how psychoanalysts,psychologists, psychiatrists…whatever those "mind-readers" are called, would coin it (there must be one-word to coin it), but I’d use my favorite word instead. Surreal. Think Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky. Swimming in wisps of vanilla, cotton candy tufts, and hazelnut…sweet, nostalgic, like floating on a hot air balloon.

I’m not always dreamy. Really! It wasn’t too far back when angst reverberated in every corner of my mind. Sure, I was the hopeless romantic, half-witted, depressed girl who clung to every promise as if my life depended on it (and you know what, for a time, it really did). But in the very core of my soul sat this deep-seated hate for men’s consistent lies. I knew how the game works, oh so well. I’ve told my share of lies, and I had played the game.

But despite it all…I kept my ideals. I never ceased to wish and pray that somebody would come and sweep me off my feet….

(to be continued. hehe. not too much time in my hands. )